Write, Stan. I do not even know what to type at this very moment. What I know is that I just have to start typing something not related to my work or else I would get more anxious. The more anxious I get, the more close I am to insanity. 

"We cannot put policemen at the borders of an economically integrated world. Interchange is already and economic and ethical necessity." -Onorato 1991

By Dr. Jose P. Rizal

Unfold, oh timid flower !

Lift up your radiant brow,
This day, Youth of my native strand !
Your abounding talents show
Resplendently and grand,
Fair hope of my Motherland !

Soar high, oh genius great,
And with noble thoughts fill their mind;
The honor's glorious seat,
May their virgin mind fly and find
More rapidly than the wind.

Descend with the pleasing light
Of the arts and sciences to the plain,
Oh Youth, and break forthright
The links of the heavy chain
That your poetic genius enchain.

See that in the ardent zone,
The Spaniard, where shadows stand,
Doth offer a shining crown,
With wise and merciful hand
To the son of this Indian land.

You, who heavenward rise
On wings of your rich fantasy,
Seek in the Olympian skies
The tenderest poesy,
More sweet than divine honey;

You of heavenly harmony,
On a calm unperturbed night,
Philomel's match in melody,
That in varied symphony
Dissipate man's sorrow's blight;

You at th' impulse of your mind
The hard rock animate
And your mind with great pow'r consigned
Transformed into immortal state
The pure mem'ry of genius great;

And you, who with magic brush
On canvas plain capture
The varied charm of Phoebus,
Loved by the divine Apelles,
And the mantle of Nature;

Run ! For genius' sacred flame
Awaits the artist's crowning
Spreading far and wide the fame
Throughout the sphere proclaiming
With trumpet the mortal's name

Oh, joyful, joyful day,
The Almighty blessed be
Who, with loving eagerness
Sends you luck and happiness

Hearing problems with my left ear has made me less of a music person. In fact, my iPod has become more of a PIM and social networking device than a media player. Still, the bubblegum popping disco boy in me has made me succumb to pop acts in spite of disability. 

Ika nga ni Mareng Natasha, "Today is where my book begins, the rest is still unwritten".

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Those are one of the first questions that entered my mind after my ex decided to break up with me. For a moment, I thought I lost everything. The only thing I was keen on was to be there for him, to make him smile because his happiness meant everything to me---because his happiness used to be me. 

The pain will not go away. Bakit ako naiiyak pa rin?

So I am caught in another moment of weakness. It's a vicious cycle, really.

At this point I still get sad when I hear your name. I still find it hard to bear that to you everything is done between us.

I keep on asking myself what could I have done to save us? Where did I go wrong? Was not all that we had worth anything?

Am I trash?

And the saddest.

A couple of weeks ago, I lost the love of my life to the big world out there. What I once considered mine is now the world's possession. I was too selfish to let go knowing that once out there, everything becomes out of control and unpredictable. That to him, my existence becomes shrouded by the multitude of stimuli the outside world has to offer: that the spotlight that was once mine has now become a searchlight; that I will not be his source of joy and happiness; that the loudness of the world will soon overpower my heart shouting I love him very much.

I have sort of predicted this day would come. Yet I hoped for the best, wishing hard that our love and my commitment would be strong enough to keep our goals in harmony. But we are two people in different phases of life. While his youth yearned for exploration, nine relationships and countless "pokpok" years left me nothing but to search for solace. While my recent ex thinks that what we had could perhaps be the best, he could not live his life wondering if there is something better. He has to feed his curiosity even if it might mean the possibility of losing “us”. I have to admit that I may never understand this logic. The only thing I know is this is what he wants. I shall give.

I love him too much.

But I love myself too and I wish not to be around while he is looking for "better".

A month after the breakup, I still find it hard to accept that our little nook in this world has become too small for his desires and dreams. I ask myself why is it that I feel hurt and pain despite knowing this breakup is a possibility. I guess I thought love would be enough. But just like the song, maybe it just ain't.  It is hard to see everything go down the drain given the work and effort I have exerted to make this work.

After more than two years of being together, I now have to face life without him. The firsts are the hardest: The first time I slept in bed knowing he will not be there; the first time I saw the stuff in his dresser gone; my first weekend without him around; paying bills for the first time without his share in the rent and utilities; the first dish I’ll be making without him. More than a year of living under one roof makes him so easy to miss. Albeit painstaking, I am surprised to find myself intact to face the next "first". Some friends might find me too emotional and melodramatic in dealing with this situation, but the fact is I am moving forward at my own pace. I shall get through this soon.

Amidst the pain and sadness, there are some "firsts" that are not that bad. Since the breakup, I have had my first drink, first bonding nights with friends, my first dance, my first pokpok-y dance, my first date, my first flirt, my first f*ck, my first hug, my first kiss. Soon, I'll get to show my first happy smile and possibly, my first love.

For now I have to live it and wait, quoting my recent ex, "let us get on with the program”.